Pensive
But I can't quite define the thoughts
Happy, sad, delusional, optimistic, pessimisstic, dominating, submissive...
Well that all depends on what part of my brain you're looking from
I'm not quite happy
Not quite sad
Not quite all there either
I'm just blah
My mind and my heart are drifting further and further away....from each other
My heart is moving towards love
While my mind is dwelling in fear
In the fear that my heart will only be crushed by this love it seeks so earnestly
My mind fears the reprocussions and backlash that can come from another crushed heart
So it imagines
It comes up with the worst possible scenarios
Draws every bad conclusion
And firmly believes that everything can and will go wrong
But my heart is optimistic
Seeing this love through rose colored glasses
Seeing everything it has hoped and dreamed for come to fruition
My heart has been heavy long enough and has decided to release the burden of all those failed attempts from its shoulders
It is putting its best foot forward and stepping out on faith
A faith that tells it everything will be ok
Because this love
This is the love its been waiting for
The dichotomy between my heart and mind has never been more apparent to me
One fears
One hopes
One trusts
One won't
In the end
All they want is for me to be happy
My mind through rationale
My heart through emotion
I want for me what they want for me
I just want to be happy...

The choices you make determine everything
They are the difference between good and bad fortune
Life and death
Love and love lost
If only foresight were as good as hindsight
And exercising discretion was easier than indiscretion
It all comes down to choices...
Planning ahead
Covering all your bases
Yea yea...
All the due diligence in the world couldn't save you from heartache
Why?
Because heartache is unexpected
No one enters a relationship wondering how tragically it will end
No
You walk in with these rose colored glasses that give you the image that everything will be ok
Truth is
Relationships are the most messed up form of masochism known to man
We get into these relationships knowing quite well we may end up hurt
Bitter
And feeling rejected
Declining to our fortress of solitude made of comfy sweats
A big blanket
5 pillows
A remote
And lots of ice cream
A deep recessive funk
And for what?
A shot at love?
But what about those who really do get that love?
If it doesn't work, their despair in the aftermath is far worse
Yet we continue to do it to ourselves
As people, we just can't help it
With the rest of you I ride this crazy masochistic roller coaster of love
I hope in the end
I'm one of the lucky ones who lands on love and stays there

I have to write for her
I have to write everything I can't say to her
I write: I LOVE YOU
I write: YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME
I write everything my heart is too afraid to let my mouth say
My heart and mind fear rejection
They fear that she won't love me too
They fear that she just isn't in the same place as me
So I write for her
I write all the words that sit on the tip of my tongue but won't come out
For her I write
For her I live
For her I strive
She inspires me to be the highest me possible
The best me possible
The realest me I can be
I write my fears for her
I write everything I hope I can be
She can be
And we can be
I write for her everything
Everything my mouth just won't say
My heart and mind may restrict my mouth
But they can't stop my hands from writing for her
From letting my pen speak to her for me....
Every word I just cant seem to say....

They say that love is blind but i've never seen so clearly
The beauty that lies before me is plain as day but can't be seen as most
As beautiful as your outside is your true beauty lies within
It is your caring spirit
Your nurturing heart
It is that tender soul
Perfectly imperfect
There is nothing and no one quite like you
The true definition of love is found in your heart
And I love the love I see in there
So if it's ok with you, I'd like to rest in your heart
While you rest in my arms
Perfectly interlocked
Completely connected
Completing each other

Absence makes the heart grow colder

Absence makes the heart grow colder not fonder
See every minute away from you
Every second you ignore me
Is just another slap in the face of my love
A love that loves you so much it just wants to be with you
Wants to be by your side
It is just a love that loves you
Each time you brush me off its just another chip at this not quite lonely heart
I say not quite because although i have you my heart doesn't feel that way
Although i have you my heart just cant tell
And despite my many efforts to keep from spilling my feelings on to the page it just didn't work
As much as i tried to put them in your ears heart and mind you just refused to hear me
So now I've gotten to the point where I can no longer beg for your time
No longer beg for your love
But I will just sit and wait
Until this once warm heart of mine becomes so cold its numb to you
So continue to ignore me
Continue to be too busy for me
Continue to brush me off
In the end you will find yourself alone
Because absence just makes the heart grow colder.....

LOVE IS SUICIDE

Love is suicide for the overactive brain
They say the more you know the less you wanna know
Every nagging question that lingers in the front of your mind
Every unanswered question mark
Every seemingly suspicious move...
We just have to know it all
Love is suicide for the overactive brain
See..
We over think, over analyze, over characterize, overreact, we just over EVERYTHING!
Because something is being kept from us
He/she isn't saying something or is doing something
And we just have to know what it is!
Our minds will turn and turn, spin and spin, clockwise no! Counterclockwise maybe they will just roll UGHHHHHHH
Love is suicide for the overactive brain
The brain that must know it all!
The brain that needs all the cards laid out before it will play
Love is what the brain wants
Love is what the brain needs
Love is what the brain can't handle
But as the brain is doing all of this overthinking, driving a wedge between me and you, you and her, or you and him
Would somebody please, PLEASE tell me
Where is the heart?

Prerequisite Love

Sleepless nights I lay awake with lingering thoughts of you
Thoughts of you from days long gone
Days where we once shared a space
Days where your tears were dried by my fingers and your smile was caused by my hands
But those days are long gone
Long forgotten
They are but a memory passing away with the sands of time
And yet my heart holds on
Trying to salvage from the wreckage a love that has come and gone
Our time entered and existed and I became your prerequisite love
I was the appetizer that prepared you for your entree
I paved the way so that the man you have now would have an easy road to travel
And as I built that road I didn't see it that way
I saw a road that we would travel down together forever
There was no end
Just the ever setting orange sun on the horizon ahead of us
I had dreams
I had plans
I had hope
I thought I had a future
All I had was a vision
A vision of how I wanted things to be
But hear I sit alone and heartbroken
While you run around with another man
Walking the path that I laid for him
Me?
I was just the prerequisite love

Put my Pen down

I put my pen down for a minute and didn't write, I just couldn't find the words to say. With so much on my heart and on my mind I couldn't get the words out. Then I realized I needed to keep them in. I was on a search, a detailed search. My time away was my self exposition. It was me finding, defining, and refining me.

I found that I was flawed, more flawed than I had actually believed. It was me finding that my happiness did not lay in what was around me but rather what was in me.

It was me defining me. Defining my identity, not as a poet, not as a money guru but as a Christian, a man, and a leader. My identity is found in the things I hold most important: God and family.

My break also refined me. It was the author and finisher taking a chisel to this stone and carving out what he wants me to be. My refining was the submission of my will and my way to God's will.

My self exposition found, defined, and refined me. The break is over.

And I'm back....

My Response

Midnight Dream

Dreamworld

Conviction/The Announcement

Bruised Hands

Dreams of my Wife

Man Vs. Shadow

I walk and he follows
always behind
creeping or speeding at the same pace as me...
I wonder who he is but he doesn't speak or say or word
and he must be afraid of the dark because he rarely come out at night...
he follows
mimicking my every move but never saying a word, something like one of those annoying mimes you see at the mall
But one day I decide I'm sick of it and decide to fight this dark figure
yes I fought my shadow!
so there we stood in the middle of an epic battle:
man vs shadow
shadow vs man...
but if my shadow is truly just an extension of me then it is
man vs self
self vs man...
so I wrestled myself
because I was mad at myself,
for following me
for imitating me
for not being a leader...
why couldn't my shadow be his own man?
why did he constantly have to be behind my back or by my side?
I felt like him following me was putting too much pressure on I
and because I don't want to be followed or imitated I wrestled my shadow
deep inside I want to be left alone to my own vices
I want to screw up and know that the consequences and repercussions effect nobody but me
not my shadow,
he didn't do anything,
he is innocent,
he shouldn't pay for my mistakes...
shadow I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for messing up,
for making the wrong choices,
for knowing you were following and not making better decisions
for not being a better example...
then my shadow spoke to me and said
"YOU CAN'T CHOOSE WHO FOLLOWS YOU, YOU CAN ONLY CHOOSE THE PATHS YOU TAKE..."
well after being freaked out cuz my shadow spoke to me I realized he was right,
my every move effects my shadow whether I like it or not,
so now I walk upright down the narrow path
because I know my shadow deserves better...

Love Game

Unfinished

i want to write this poem about opportunity, opportunity missed that is
see i was kinda dealing with this miss
who had it all, brains beauty and a tender kiss
but circumstance always kept us from being together
but in the back of my mind i knew that she was better
than anyone else i ever dealt with
and our vibe was so strong that the world could feel it
but circumstance always kept us apart...
she is the love i never got to experience
the truth i never got to grasp
the touch i never got to hold
she is the world i never got to explore...
i know she would have given me the type of love people don't believe in anymore
but i was too late...

This poem isn't finished and I will probably never finish it, it was just too hard to write but I wanted to put it up to see what you think....Love's crazy..crazy...crazy....

Words I Cannot Say

There are often a million things I want to say but cant
So with tight lips and an immobile tongue my words remain a prisoner of my mind
Those words that will start some things and cause some trouble
You know the big F you to your father for never really being there but always having something to say when you have a bad grade
Or the bigger F you to your mother for letting it happen
For treating it as if it were cool
Yet again...words I cannot say
So my words, phrases, sentences, statements, and paragraphs sit as prisoners inside my mouth
With my teeth serving as the bars
Yearning to get out...
These are the words I cannot say
The words that will start some trouble and cause some things
Like standing on Capitol Hill and screaming you're all crooks
And despite the harsh stares and dirty looks
I will scream it at the top of my lungs because it needs to be said
But of course these words would probably get me killed
So I cannot say them..
I would love to sing freedom songs
Songs about how we have overcome the struggle
But have we?
We got a black man in office but that is far from enough
The illegitimacy rate is 87%
Chicago still only graduates 1 out of every 2 black men from high school
New York, 1 out of every 4
13% of the population
90% of the jails
The words I cannot say sit inside my mind as a prisoner to themselves
There is so much I want to say
So much I gotta say
So much I need to say
My thoughts are as loud as ever
But my voice is silent
Because some things are better left unsaid
For now my words remain trapped in my mind
A prisoner in my mouth
Behind an immobile tongue
With my teeth as the bars....

Untitled

I think its important to know when love isn't worth it
The love that hits you
Makes you cry
And everyday brings tears to your eyes just isn't worth it...
We all know how beautiful love can be but we never talk about the dark side of love
The side that hurts you
The side that leaves you mindless and spineless
Unable and Unwilling to stand up to your oppressor..
Your love oppressor
The one who hits you in the name of love
Tears you down in the name of love
And steps on you in the name of love
This is the love you should avoid or escape if you're trapped in it...
Love doesn't kill, it brings life
And when love is done right,
you love for life...
Don't be a victim of that oppression love
Aggression love
The black eye that leaves you regretting love..
When the pain outweighs the pleasure maybe the love isn't worth it
When you live in fear of the one you love maybe it isn't worth
Love doesn't bring death, it brings life
and when love is done right you can love for life
So search your heart
Search your love
And if need be pray to the man above
for clarity....
Real love won't hurt and won't leave..
So remember, Love doesn't bring death, it brings life
And when love is done right you will love for life....

HOPE

The dark cloud of oppression looms over the sky
The black cloud looms over life...yes, life
Not a city, not a state, not a country but life...
Everyday seems worse than the one before
You're lost and have no hope...
Joy isn't in your vocabulary
Just hate and disgust,
Hate and disgust at the way things were, the way they are, and the way they will be..
So you are now at the point where you wonder if you should give up on life or keep fighting,
What reason do you have to continue this struggle?
Why do you keep fighting a war you can't win?
What is your motivation?
What is it that wakes you up in the morning?
Where is your passion?
What keeps you going in this miserable existence?
Its hope!
Hope is what wakes you up in the morning
Hope gets you out of the bed every morning and has you pressing forward when the world is trying to hold you back...
It is hope that keeps you going
The hope that one day things will be better
That one day things will change
That one day you will make it out of this life,
So if things seem down do not worry because hope keeps you believing that that joy will come in the morning!

Cracked Hearts...

Just because an object can't be broken that doesn't mean it can't be bruised
Thats my heart, never broken but really bruised...
Never broken but maybe cracked
So this is for the cracked hearts
The ones that have been dragged through the mud
Taken advantage of
Abused and stepped on
The hearts that are too strong to be broken but fallible enough to be cracked
Each crack in your heart represents a love battle lost
A fight you tried to win but couldn't
And although you lost those battles, you only walked away with a crack because you were too strong to be broken
We all know some cracks run deeper than others,
But every crack can be filled with love
So don't run from it
Don't let the cracks break you
Love is on the way...
So to my cracked hearts around the world: NEVER BE BROKEN
You're simply too good for that
Besides, a broken heart is too hard to fix
So be patient and just let love fill the cracks....

The Better Man

Let me start by saying Happy New Year to everyone, even though I am like a week late. I hope 09 brings you all the best and is better than 08 even if 08 was the best year of your life...No resolutions for me, I approach this year like I do every other: trying to do better than the last...With that said, I got a bunch of new stuff for you so just check back regularly to see what's up...

We never notice love sitting in front of our faces
Instead we look around it and search in the oddest places
That's because we don't want love
We shun love
We fear love...
The hurt and pain that comes with it...
So we chase the ones that don't love us and endure the bullsh*t
Just so at the end of the day you can say you tried to find it...
But you didn't try to find love, you ran from love
Chasing the one who doesn't love you when I was here telling you I need you and care for you
And wanna be there for you
But no! my love wasn't good enough
Instead you wanted the love that didn't want you
The love that hurt you and made you cry yourself to sleep at night
While I was offering to dry those eyes
Trying to give you the world and the love you so desperately sought for...but my love wasn't good enough...
Never mind that I can be the better man
Your knight in shining armor
The one that you dreamed about in your youth...
You needed love..I wanted to give it
But sadly enough I'm at the place where I realize that you don't want it...
So bypass the better man
Bypass what could have been dreams fulfilled and chase the love that isn't there...
One day you will see me and realize what should have been....
I should have been you and the better man
It should have been us...